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What can we do when there is an escalating argument and both people are feeling increasingly angry and frustrated? Emotions are high and getting higher!
It’s a situation that’s likely familiar to all of us. …
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When you have a need that you are seeking to meet but the seeking becomes insistent, like a demand, what then? This is what I’ve experienced.
The negative energy (and the stories I tell myself) that go with an unmet need creates a kind of hypervigilance—an intensity about getting the need met, and a fearfulness that it won't be.
I become attached to a particular outcome. …
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When we’re learning Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication, we practice with the four steps: Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests. Practicing these steps, learning the vocabulary, clarifying what’s a feeling, what’s a need, and what’s a request is more complicated than it seems at first.
However, practice does work, and eventually, those steps become easier… Finally, requests and observations can be made in more conversational language.
But it turns out there’s still more to do to prepare for a connecting conversation! …
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Several weeks ago, I ran into a YouTube video from Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat Pray Love. In this video, she invited viewers to join her in her practice of writing letters to Love. I decided to try this. Here is one of my letters and Love’s response.
Read moreDear Love,
Please tell me about my daughter and about being sad. …
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Breaking a Rule
Earlier this year I wrote an article for the newsletter that shared the needs I most want to meet this year: fun, curiosity, vitality, adventure, awe, and play, and how I want to meet them. This morning I’ve realized how easy it is to let the day go and not include them—that doing the things I would most love to do has been second in line to the things that just need doing. In a weird way, it’s like putting myself second. Oof!
What I want to do is to safeguard these needs from getting lost. I thought, “Well, maybe I can put notifications on my phone.” I could tell right away that this would trigger a have-to approach in responding to any of them.
Then I wondered, “Why are my needs for fun and delight taking second place?” …
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In a recent practice group, we had a very interesting discussion about a topic where there was a wide variety of perspectives.
We considered the question, “What feelings and needs come up with the situation of one partner in a marriage having a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex?” (I realize this question would be phrased differently for same-sex couples.)
This question allowed us to explore a topic from the NVC perspective of Feelings and Needs, rather than it being “wrong” or “right.” The question led to curiosity and affinity, rather than judgment. …
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As 2023 has come to a close and 2024 opened its doors, I’ve been giving consideration to what I want for this coming year. I know many people think about this as setting a New Year’s resolution, but as my friend Genevieve says, “That can be tricky.” If we’re not careful we can easily set a perfectionistic goal instead of one that’s doable. Because I too am a recovering perfectionist, this is something I want to avoid.
I’d been mulling this over when another friend, Suz, told me how she would answer this question. She said instead of focusing on a fixed goal she might ask herself, “For this new year, what needs do I have that continue to remain unmet?”
This got me thinking. What are my needs for the new year? What are the first steps? And how will I know when they’re met? For me, there’s a lot of flow, ease, and permission-giving in approaching the big question this way. So, I decided to give it a try, and I’d like to share my answers with you. …
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In the old days before NVC, I would find out that I was tired and grumpy AFTER I had done something that I regretted. (And of course, sometimes I still do this because I’m a HUMAN).
However, more often now I recognize how I’m feeling (thanks to a lot of practice). Not only can I connect to myself with some compassion, but I can also communicate to others what’s going on and they don’t have to try to figure out, “What they did” or “Is she mad?” or whatever stories might make sense of my behavior. …
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One of our practice groups has been exploring the NVC process for things we regret.
It begins with making an observation (just the facts) about what we did.
We then connect with the feelings we experience now as we think about what we did then. (Feelings sheet.)
We then connect with the needs/values that were not met by what we did. (Needs sheet.)
After deeply connecting with these feelings and needs (sitting with them), we think back to the time we did what we now regret. …
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“To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives.” …
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When thinking about the beauty of needs like gratitude, celebration, and appreciation, the early morning view from my window comes to mind.
I see the sunrise and my entire being is flooded with whatever chemicals we produce when we experience a joy so powerful that our entire body feels that joy. My breath pauses. Tears well up. My throat and chest feel a surge like… love?
I’m nearly speechless, “Wow! Wow! Wow!”
What an incredible gift to see and to appreciate this spectacular event. What a gift is nature and its beauty. …
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Recently, I’ve been involved in conversations concerning how to be in the world with the terrible violence of wars, climate change, political division, and social disconnection between groups and ideologies.
People say they don’t want to ignore what’s going on in the world and at the same time they don’t want to be so overwhelmed by events that they numb out and lose their life energy.
How to be in the world with what might be called “equanimity”? …
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These past few years I’ve noticed more people in the media talking about people’s values and needs—and I’m feeling pretty excited and encouraged with that awareness. To be clear, I hear plenty of labeling and name calling too, and yet I want to notice and appreciate comments that are less judgmental.
I’ve been hearing more exploration of viewpoints with the focus on concerns and values. I’m remembering a top public health official during the pandemic talking about people who weren’t taking the vaccine, wearing masks, or were against the closure of schools, etc. …
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When I hear people say about NVC, “This is not natural,” I think to myself, “Oh, it is natural, but I’m guessing it’s not habitual!”
We’re born with feelings that bring attention to needs. Babies cry when they’re hungry, tired, wet, or needing care of some sort. Babies usually gurgle happily when they’re comfortable and someone is smiling, playing, and tickling—giving them attention.
If we were all encouraged to notice, feel, and acknowledge our feelings and needs, we would continue that natural connection. Instead, it seems that we learn to stuff, hide, or be embarrassed about our feelings and needs, and we lose connection with them. But they are a natural part of being human. …
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Many years ago, I had just returned home from work, and right away I was mad at my daughter for not doing her homework. She asked me, “Are you mad at me or are you mad about what happened at work today?” The truth was, I was mad about work. That was what had all my attention. In that space, there wasn’t much room for, “Hi Honey, how was your day?”
In my experience, it can be difficult to have an open heart when it’s already too tired, and our focus is on what’s wrong. Neither of these conditions leaves much room for connection. This is a helpful thing to notice. Because, if we notice when we don’t want to connect, we can also notice when we need to rest and reset. …
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Need an NVC reset? Here’s an article I wrote for the Changing Self Talk to Self Care class a few years ago that could be helpful.
“When Dr. Rosenberg recognized that judgments and blame were a significant factor in understanding violence, he saw that if we look underneath them, we can find out what is really going on. Knowing this, we could change course and find kinder, more helpful communication solutions. As a result, he developed Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication (NVC).
NVC transforms judgments (including self-judgments) by using them to find the deeper messages expressed by our feelings and needs. It has a gentle yet fierce curiosity that makes acceptance, self-care, and inner peace possible. To figure out how this works we start by looking at the four foundational principles of NVC. …”
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Last fall Michael and I needed help with our dog Sofia. She’s a very sweet pup. However, about six months ago we had some changes at the house that really stressed her out, which of course, stressed us out too.
Here’s what we’ve learned since then. Dogs are like our mirrors. What we feel, they feel. …
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Relationships are fluid and flow with interdependence, so boundaries aren’t set in concrete. However, if you find yourself frustrated that your boundaries aren’t respected, it’s empowering to know that you’re the one who can make them firm. It may not be easy, but it’s important so that we don’t build up resentment toward others for not respecting our boundaries.
Setting a boundary for ourselves might sound like …
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What does Compassionate/Nonviolent Communication (or NVC) have to do with the health of our planet? NVC cultivates life-serving awareness of needs like health, safety, peace, vitality, fairness, balance, and compassion; and seeks to meet these needs through peaceful and doable actions. …
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One of the most damaging things about believing the inner critic is that we lose our ability to trust ourselves. Instead, we begin to doubt.
“I’m not loveable.”
“I can’t do anything right.”
“I’m not good enough to be accepted.”
Believing the inner critic means we are never really free from shame and unworthiness. This damages our felt sense of value, peace, self-trust, and most of all, safety. Over time this loss separates us from who we truly are. …
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Center for Compassionate Living
c/o Denise Torres
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