In a recent practice group, we had a very interesting discussion about a topic where there was a wide variety of perspectives.
We considered the question, “What feelings and needs come up with the situation of one partner in a marriage having a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex?” (I realize this question would be phrased differently for same-sex couples.)
This question allowed us to explore a topic from the NVC perspective of Feelings and Needs, rather than it being “wrong” or “right.” The question led to curiosity and affinity, rather than judgment.
As we shared, it became apparent that the Feelings and Needs each person expressed reflected our various experiences in life and how those experiences led to our current perspectives.
Through the discussion, I learned more about each person and experienced more connection with everyone, including people who had very different perspectives than mine.
To me, this is such a great practice in talking about something that might be “controversial” and creating togetherness rather than division.
Rather than trying to convince each other of the “rightness” of our perspective, we were able to share how experiences with trust and cultural norms had influenced our varying degrees of comfort with the question. The sharing also led to considering ideas and experiences that we had not thought of, which feels like a broadening of understanding (which I find exciting).
Perhaps you would like to try this too? Just pose an open-ended question and ask for Feelings and Needs rather than what is right or wrong. Life experiences emerge from this exploration and if we listen and are curious, we might end up with a satisfying exploration and more connection.
~ Bryn
