In the news today…

May 31, 2025 Bryn Hazell

Graffiti on brick wall: "Everything has beauty but not everyone can see it." — Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

I worked in television news for more than 20 years. … In the ‘80s, TV news changed because ratings and money, rather than public service, came into fashion. “If it bleeds, it leads” became prominent. That meant accidents, conflicts, and shootings now led the news because TV consultants suggested more people would watch the station with the most dramatic stories. … The consultants were right. Drama and conflict won out. …

Farewell 2024 & Welcome 2025!

December 28, 2024 CCL

Two hands holding sparklers against dusk sky — Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash

The arrival of a new year is often a time for looking ahead: making resolutions, identifying needs or values to live by, choosing theme words to give focus, and planning for activities and trips we want to make happen. I intend to do a few of these and enjoy envisioning my life in a larger context than the day-to-day.

I’ve also been thinking back on this year and recalling meaningful events. … Life flies by and many important moments can be forgotten. At 75, I’m very aware of this! I invite you to look back on the year and pick out experiences you want to carry with you. …

You make me feel…

July 8, 2024 Bryn Hazell

Woman with frustrated expression, hands in the air. — Photo by @julienlphoto on Unsplash

“You make me so mad!” “It’s your fault I’m cranky!” “You ruined my day!”

In our culture we have patterns of speech and thought that give other people responsibility for our feelings, i.e., “You make me feel; he makes me feel; I made her feel…” That thinking creates a lot of disconnection between us and within ourselves.

In the consciousness of Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication, we aren’t the cause of someone’s feelings. The cause is needs being met or unmet. …

Regret

December 11, 2023 Bryn Hazell

One of our practice groups has been exploring the NVC process for things we regret.

It begins with making an observation (just the facts) about what we did.
We then connect with the feelings we experience now as we think about what we did then. (Feelings sheet.)
We then connect with the needs/values that were not met by what we did. (Needs sheet.)

After deeply connecting with these feelings and needs (sitting with them), we think back to the time we did what we now regret. …

The Enemy!

November 8, 2022 Bryn Hazell

Close up of white king taking down black king. Hand and fingers and chess board with vintage look. — Photo by GR Stocks

It seems that much of political communication these days contains words that characterize the “other” as evil and dangerous. People don’t just disagree: The other side is the “enemy.” I’ve seen this “enemy” labeling language being used by many sides, not just the most extreme groups, and I feel scared and worried about our ability to work out our differences peacefully. When I say peacefully, I don’t mean (necessarily) quietly. I mean courageously, passionately, and with respectful listening, speaking, and communication—and, eventually, collaboration toward strategies.

Nonviolent Communication founder Marshall Rosenberg talked about the danger of enemy images. When people become an “enemy,” they become a “thing,” rather than another complicated human like us. When people become a “thing,” they can be seen as bad or evil, and then violence can become acceptable. I believe we are seeing violence because the “other” has been labeled “evil,” “dangerous,” “anti-American,” and so on.

How can we help foster peace, rather than violence? …

Let in the good—and then share it!

October 25, 2022 Bryn Hazell

Foreground: recently tossed colorful fall leaves, Blurred background: happy person, grey sweater, arms up from leaf tossing — Photo by Jakob Owens

You’re reading this, so I’m guessing you know that Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication encourages us to focus on Feelings and Needs (as well as Observations and Requests).

For most of us, it seems to be easier to focus on times when our needs are not being met. It’s often mentioned that human beings survived by paying attention to potential dangers and warnings when they might be feeling scared, apprehensive, etc. Paying attention to feelings and needs may have meant the difference between life and death.

Acknowledging and getting to know one’s reactions to life (Feelings and Needs) is such important self-knowledge. It helps us see old patterns, stories that we tell ourselves, and how our system interprets the world. We can then learn to grow, change (if helpful), and communicate our life experience to others with more clarity, honesty, and connection. By practicing this, we gain insight to better understand and hear others as well.

I value moments of self-connection, including when needs are not met… and I very much value noticing when needs are met. …

Considering Feelings & Needs with Curiosity

September 27, 2022 Bryn Hazell

Campground lights near lake with dark mountain skyline and a time-lapse sky full of starts — Photo by Andrew Coelho on Unsplash

Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication was a revolutionary experience for me 20+ years ago when I first heard Marshall Rosenberg.

The idea that Feelings were signals that brought attention to my Needs (Universal Human Needs) was like discovering the manual for my human operating system.

Feeling all the feelings and getting acquainted with my needs (and guessing other people’s feelings and needs) has been such an extraordinarily helpful frame to better understand myself and others. And most importantly, it has helped create connection between us.

Over the years, I’ve learned to add a step when identifying my feelings and needs. …

When You Hit a Wall

April 15, 2020 Denise Torres

At the last practice group, there were a few people who talked about hitting a wall sometime this past week, and I was one of them. I want to share that experience with you.

The whole day long I carried this unclear but ever-present sense of anxiety. (It wasn’t because of anything in particular. My guess is that it was because of everything.) With the anxiety came restlessness and dissatisfaction. Nothing seemed interesting. I was so caught up in the discomfort it became the thing that informed everything else.

Later in the evening, I decided to flip through the photo gallery on my phone—hoping for something uplifting—and I ran across a photo of some board work I had done in one of my classes. Yes, that’s right, one of my classes: I was teaching others something that I myself had totally lost sight of all day long. Although I had already told myself I could drown my feelings by reading a book, and even though I really wanted to read the book, I thought, “You know what to do.” So I put the novel aside and got out my journal. …

Out from the Back of the Cabinet

July 1, 2019 Denise Torres

Adapted from https://www.flickr.com/photos/ursonate/5057644252. Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)

This past week Mike and I had the somewhat arduous task of mouse proofing our house. Because we were in some denial about how significant the problem was we thought just getting a couple of humane mouse “traps” would do the trick. I think this was because we really, really didn’t want to take out each and every single thing from all the kitchen cabinets. And, of course, that is precisely what we ended up doing. …

From Spinning in Our Heads to Grounding in Our Hearts

August 1, 2018 Bryn Hazell

I was with a friend recently and he was very upset. He had been working out of town away from his partner for months, and she had not answered his phone calls/texts for a week and a half. Before this break in communication, she had been with a group of their friends, and she’d mentioned a new guy in the group.

Being alone and away from home, my friend had plenty of time to gnaw on the situation over the last week and a half. “She said she’s busy, but who is that busy?”…

Practicing Acceptance by Letting Go of "Shoulds" and "Shouldn'ts"

June 1, 2018 Denise Torres

"Listen to the Mustn'ts" by Shel Silverstein

Hi from New Mexico!!

Although we flew in, Mike and I have been driving a bit. As we go from here to there I’ve been noticing how there has been a major shift in me—a shift from needing things to be just so, and a practiced willingness to see things as they are. …

Remembering Needs Met

October 1, 2017 Bryn Hazell

One of the men at Deer Ridge Correctional Institution talked about how he was frustrated—and kind of angry—about his knee. It hurt and it was making it difficult to do his job. He said his body used to just be there for him and now that he was older, it was not supporting him as it did when he was younger. I asked him if he had some sadness about his body losing some of its strength and resilience. “Yes!” he said…

Filling Up on The Good Stuff

July 1, 2017 Denise Torres

It’s apparently part of our human wiring to have a strong focus on what isn’t working, and comparatively a rather weak focus on what is going well. However, it turns out that we can change this through the practice of noticing and savoring the good stuff—those moments when needs are met. Using this practice, we become aware of the wonderful feelings that arise at those moments, and this creates a delightful loop of noticing and enjoying them more often. Even more wonderful, drinking in these good moments feeds the heart, mind, and spirit by filling up our often-depleted energy reserves.

Here are some practices you can try that support growing an awareness of needs met.

Offering yourself compassion

May 15, 2017 Denise Torres

Recently I was asked, “How do I offer myself compassion?” Before attempting an answer, I want to acknowledge that there can be big obstacles to offering ourselves compassion. Of these, we can include the fact that our negative emotions themselves are very good at capturing our attention—so much so that it may take hours or even days to notice the fact that we’ve been suffering.

Neurons that fire together wire together

November 8, 2016 Denise Torres

I recently attended a course called “Positive Neuroplasticity.” During the class, we discovered how to shift our thinking in order to change the way the brain operates—including its influence on our worldview. In other words, if our worldview is generally negative (which most brains tend to gravitate toward) we can, with practice, actually train our brain so that it will operate from a more positive point of view. Cool, right?

Let in the wonderful

October 3, 2016 Bryn Hazell

Ah, Fall. It’s my favorite time of year… the cooler, crisper mornings; the spectacular red and yellow shimmer of leaves; the slant of the sun that turns things golden and soft. I am suffused with a joy that seems to reach every cell of my body. One of the great gifts of NVC for me is this being present for and letting in the wonderful that surrounds me.

How we can go high

August 2, 2016 Bryn Hazell

Dear Friends,

“When someone is cruel or acts like a bully, you don’t stoop to their level. No, our motto is, when they go low, we go high."

Those are Michelle Obama’s words spoken during her speech at the Democratic National Convention. And it got me to thinking, what does it look like to “go high”?