Mending old wounds

December 9, 2024 Denise Torres

Side view of goldfinch perched on branch — Photo by Przemyslaw Reinfus on Unsplash

This is the season when nostalgia can easily trigger the sensation of regret. Regretting can be complicated, for sure. The inner critic sometimes makes it into a story about what’s wrong with us or how foolish we are. It will use regret as proof that we’re not good enough. It might be helpful to separate the workings of the inner critic from the voice of regret—pull them apart, so to speak. …

Uncertainty during this post-election time

November 11, 2024 Denise Torres

Woman stands alone staring into an orange, foggy distance lit by street lamps — Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash

Not all roads in life are smoothly paved, as we know. Some are muddy or gravelly or have huge ditches. Sometimes trees have fallen across them or there are live wires nearby. These challenging times can become part of the inner voice that reminds us that bad things happen.

This same voice tells us that terrible things will probably continue to happen, and this worry pushes us to figure out how we can try to prevent them. It’s how the brain’s negativity bias works. …

Stories we tell ourselves

July 22, 2024 Denise Torres

5 match sticks on purple background. 3 fresh matches, 1 burnt, 1 fresh with leaf growing out of the wood. — Photo by @tangerinenewt on Unsplash

Today I’m passing along a link to a podcast I came across and often revisit: People I (Mostly) Admire.

This episode in particular—Pay Attention! (Your Body Will Thank You)—was eye-opening because it helped me realize how I’ve been carrying around various stories blocking me from seeing who I truly can be.

In this case, it was my experience of being 70 years old. I didn’t realize I’d told myself a story about being 70—about what happens when you’re this age, i.e., “It’s all downhill from here,” and how life will get progressively harder. …

When unmet needs become demanding

March 23, 2024 Denise Torres

When you have a need that you are seeking to meet but the seeking becomes insistent, like a demand, what then? This is what I’ve experienced.

The negative energy (and the stories I tell myself) that go with an unmet need creates a kind of hypervigilance—an intensity about getting the need met, and a fearfulness that it won't be.

I become attached to a particular outcome. …

Let in the good—and then share it!

October 25, 2022 Bryn Hazell

Foreground: recently tossed colorful fall leaves, Blurred background: happy person, grey sweater, arms up from leaf tossing — Photo by Jakob Owens

You’re reading this, so I’m guessing you know that Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication encourages us to focus on Feelings and Needs (as well as Observations and Requests).

For most of us, it seems to be easier to focus on times when our needs are not being met. It’s often mentioned that human beings survived by paying attention to potential dangers and warnings when they might be feeling scared, apprehensive, etc. Paying attention to feelings and needs may have meant the difference between life and death.

Acknowledging and getting to know one’s reactions to life (Feelings and Needs) is such important self-knowledge. It helps us see old patterns, stories that we tell ourselves, and how our system interprets the world. We can then learn to grow, change (if helpful), and communicate our life experience to others with more clarity, honesty, and connection. By practicing this, we gain insight to better understand and hear others as well.

I value moments of self-connection, including when needs are not met… and I very much value noticing when needs are met. …

Speaking Your Truth or Sharing Your Experience?

December 30, 2021 Bryn Hazell

Close-up of flashing police car lights — photo credit: Scott Rodgerson on Unsplash

When I hear people say, “Speak your truth,” I feel concerned because the word “truth” seems to be closed more than open. It doesn’t appear to leave room for other perspectives. I like, “Speak your experience” better because it seems more open to me. “Here’s my experience. What’s yours?”

For example, someone might say, “The police are racist and violent.” Another person might say, “The police make us safe and protect us.”

What do you imagine the first person’s experience with the police might be? …

How to Cultivate More Inner Peace

November 1, 2019 Denise Torres

Suggestions from the Tuesday Practice Group:

Leave for appointments early. Allow time so no rushing needed.
Put things in their place so when I go to find them, they are there.
Balance order with ease—what’s my balance for inner peace?
Remind myself what I have influence and control over and what I don’t. What’s mine? What’s not mine? …

From Spinning in Our Heads to Grounding in Our Hearts

August 1, 2018 Bryn Hazell

I was with a friend recently and he was very upset. He had been working out of town away from his partner for months, and she had not answered his phone calls/texts for a week and a half. Before this break in communication, she had been with a group of their friends, and she’d mentioned a new guy in the group.

Being alone and away from home, my friend had plenty of time to gnaw on the situation over the last week and a half. “She said she’s busy, but who is that busy?”…

When Assumptions Act Like Facts

September 1, 2017 Denise Torres

Bryn and I had an interesting talk recently about how it’s quite possible to experience negative feelings and unmet needs simply because our thinking includes assumptions, stereotypes, or expectations. Here’s my example. I recently learned that a well-known musician (whose songs I love) divorced his wife after 37 years of marriage, seemingly to date another woman. I was surprised and sad to hear this, and because I care about both of them, I wanted them to have the continued closeness that comes from being in a lifelong relationship. And, I was also angry.