When you have a need that you are seeking to meet but the seeking becomes insistent, like a demand, what then? This is what I’ve experienced.

The negative energy (and the stories I tell myself) that go with an unmet need creates a kind of hypervigilance—an intensity about getting the need met, and a fearfulness that it won't be.

I become attached to a particular outcome. No other one will do. Nothing else will help. What happens if I don’t get what I’m looking for? I feel incompetent and even fearful because I can't make something happen. (I’m also not fun to be around. ☹️)

When my negative energy becomes hypervigilant, I find it difficult to remember that I’m not in charge of every outcome. (Wait, am I in charge of any outcome???) What I can do though, is notice, yes notice: How I feel (upset!) and what do I need (…) which is not the same as what has to happen.

Here are some things I try to notice:

Am I waiting for what I want to happen?
Do I think there is only one solution?
Do I believe I’m the only one with the answer?
Do I believe I have control over this situation?
Do I believe I'm in charge of making sure the wrong thing doesn't happen?

What I already know about the answers to these questions is that none of them are particularly helpful—and believing them is not a kindness to me. So, when I notice any of them:

I hate it, but I accept the reality that I’m not in charge.
I let go.
I ask my body to relax.
I bring kindness to my distress.

What I finally remember is that I can only do my best, and I can trust that. My best is a good thing! As I lean into self-trust, gone is the feeling of incompetence (for not controlling the outcome) and instead I feel relief that I never had control to begin with, and I give myself compassion for thinking I did.