What can we do when there is an escalating argument and both people are feeling increasingly angry and frustrated? Emotions are high and getting higher!

It’s a situation that’s likely familiar to all of us. If we have relationships with people, we’re going to have disagreements—and those disagreements may escalate. Stressful situations arise and we are more likely to react, rather than respond (as we wish to). Coming up with strategies for such situations when we are not stressed can be helpful.

So, the argument is happening. Many of us were socialized to care for others first and we might think, “How do I NVC this? Should I empathize with them? What will I say?”

In this case, “Doing NVC” might mean self-empathy first. The oxygen mask goes on us before we attend to the other person. However, it’s difficult to empathize with others if we are emotionally charged and desperate for empathy in the moment.

Try this: Tune in to yourself. What are your Feelings? What are your Needs? “I’m overwhelmed, confused, hurt, angry, and scared. I need calm and safety.”

When we hear ourselves, we can focus on how to take care of ourselves. What could I do to feel calmer and safer?

I could take some calming breaths.
I could take a break and go to another room.
I could share what’s happening in me: “I’m feeling overwhelmed and I’m going to pause because I feel scared and need some calm.”

Once we’ve heard ourselves and taken care of ourselves, we’re more resourced to speak and listen to the other person from our more grounded selves. Maybe they are calmer by that time too.

There’s no one-size-fits-all strategy for intense interactions. Each experience is different. Yet we can prepare ourselves for different experiences by creating and practicing strategies that will be more available when they are needed in the future.

~ Bryn