Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication was a revolutionary experience for me 20+ years ago when I first heard Marshall Rosenberg.
The idea that Feelings were signals that brought attention to my Needs (Universal Human Needs) was like discovering the manual for my human operating system.
Feeling all the feelings and getting acquainted with my needs (and guessing other people’s feelings and needs) has been such an extraordinarily helpful frame to better understand myself and others. And most importantly, it has helped create connection between us.
Over the years, I’ve learned to add a step when identifying my feelings and needs. I acknowledge the feelings and needs, then acknowledge that I’m perceiving my needs as being met or unmet. I acknowledge that my reaction is the result of my perception of what’s happening. That extra step helps remind me that I want to look at that perception with curiosity and shine a light on it so I can be clearer about what’s happened.
Here’s an example: If I think someone has agreed to do something and they don’t do it, my first reaction could be to feel irritated because my needs for trust and keeping agreements are not met (i.e., they said they would call me at 10 and they didn’t). If I get curious about what happened and think more about it, I might start to wonder if they did indeed agree to call me—or was that just my understanding (perception) of what happened? Or perhaps something happened that prevented them from calling (needs of theirs)?
With that extra step, I let go of my irritation and when I communicate with the person, I am coming from a place of curiosity (rather than irritation) and our conversation is much more connecting. Perhaps they had a different understanding or memory of what happened? Or perhaps they did agree and something else came up that resulted in them not calling. Either way, our conversation is bound to be more connecting if we start from curiosity and a desire to understand rather than from an emotion like irritation and a perception that my needs for trust and keeping agreements were not met.
I have found that curiosity is powerful. It inspires a desire to understand and connect. And whatever the situation, it seems to ground the conversation so that we can hear each other with more openness—and needs not met can be shared with less blame and more compassion.
What do you think about this suggestion?
~ Bryn
