What can we do when there is an escalating argument and both people are feeling increasingly angry and frustrated? Emotions are high and getting higher!
It’s a situation that’s likely familiar to all of us. …
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What can we do when there is an escalating argument and both people are feeling increasingly angry and frustrated? Emotions are high and getting higher!
It’s a situation that’s likely familiar to all of us. …
Read moreWhen we’re learning Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication, we practice with the four steps: Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests. Practicing these steps, learning the vocabulary, clarifying what’s a feeling, what’s a need, and what’s a request is more complicated than it seems at first.
However, practice does work, and eventually, those steps become easier… Finally, requests and observations can be made in more conversational language.
But it turns out there’s still more to do to prepare for a connecting conversation! …
Read moreAs 2023 has come to a close and 2024 opened its doors, I’ve been giving consideration to what I want for this coming year. I know many people think about this as setting a New Year’s resolution, but as my friend Genevieve says, “That can be tricky.” If we’re not careful we can easily set a perfectionistic goal instead of one that’s doable. Because I too am a recovering perfectionist, this is something I want to avoid.
I’d been mulling this over when another friend, Suz, told me how she would answer this question. She said instead of focusing on a fixed goal she might ask herself, “For this new year, what needs do I have that continue to remain unmet?”
This got me thinking. What are my needs for the new year? What are the first steps? And how will I know when they’re met? For me, there’s a lot of flow, ease, and permission-giving in approaching the big question this way. So, I decided to give it a try, and I’d like to share my answers with you. …
Read moreIn the old days before NVC, I would find out that I was tired and grumpy AFTER I had done something that I regretted. (And of course, sometimes I still do this because I’m a HUMAN).
However, more often now I recognize how I’m feeling (thanks to a lot of practice). Not only can I connect to myself with some compassion, but I can also communicate to others what’s going on and they don’t have to try to figure out, “What they did” or “Is she mad?” or whatever stories might make sense of my behavior. …
Read moreWhen I was growing up, so-called “negative” emotions were not welcome. “Get over it.” “Put a smile on your face.” “There’s no use crying over spilled milk.” “What’s done is done.”
When I started to learn Compassionate Communication, the idea that ALL emotions were valued and connected us to life-serving needs resonated with me. I liked the idea of being “fully alive”—feeling the universal human emotions of joy and happiness, as well as disappointment and grief—and all the rest of the emotions. …
Read moreOne of the most helpful ways to communicate with others is by using Connecting Requests. We may be wondering what others heard or think about what we’ve said. When we don’t ask, we may not find out or it may sound like we’re just making a statement rather than seeking connection.
After you’ve shared something with someone, here are a few ways you can check in with the other person:
“What do you think about that?”
“How does that sound to you?”
“How do you feel about what I’ve said?”
“What comes up for you when you hear me say that?”
“I’m not clear where I am with this. Would you be willing to say back what you heard? I think that will help me.”
If you find yourself hesitant to check in with the other person, you can be curious about that—and ask yourself what feelings and needs are coming up for you. …
Read moreCenter for Compassionate Living
c/o Denise Torres
1516 NE Locksley Drive
Bend, OR 97701
541-350-6517