One of the most helpful ways to communicate with others is by using Connecting Requests. We may be wondering what others heard or think about what we’ve said. When we don’t ask, we may not find out or it may sound like we’re just making a statement rather than seeking connection.
After you’ve shared something with someone, here are a few ways you can check in with the other person:
“What do you think about that?”
“How does that sound to you?”
“How do you feel about what I’ve said?”
“What comes up for you when you hear me say that?”
“I’m not clear where I am with this. Would you be willing to say back what you heard? I think that will help me.”
If you find yourself hesitant to check in with the other person, you can be curious about that—and ask yourself what feelings and needs are coming up for you.
If you’re thinking they might disagree with you, speak a judgment about what you’ve said, or misinterpret what you intended to say, you might feel nervous or scared. You may want to be heard, to be seen, and to be understood. If that’s the case, you can speak that experience: “I want to hear what’s up for you, and I think I can do that better if I feel heard. Would you be willing to say back what you heard me say?” If they’re willing to do that, you can express gratitude and relax, because you were heard.
Next, you may want to “Put your giraffe ears on,” focus your attention on them, and listen for their perspective and their Feelings and Needs. If you’re not interested or willing to hear from the other person, then that’s valuable information for you. Do you want to have interaction and connection—are you interested in them and how what you say affects them? Or are you seeking something else?
I trust communication that offers each person the opportunity to be seen and heard will contribute to the relationship. It may take several back-and-forth interactions (or more!) to achieve that goal, but I believe the time spent is time well invested.
I’m curious what this brings up for you and I request feedback, comments, or questions because I love the connection: It’s much more satisfying when I hear from you!
~ Bryn