What can we do when there is an escalating argument and both people are feeling increasingly angry and frustrated? Emotions are high and getting higher!
It’s a situation that’s likely familiar to all of us. …
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What can we do when there is an escalating argument and both people are feeling increasingly angry and frustrated? Emotions are high and getting higher!
It’s a situation that’s likely familiar to all of us. …
Read moreIn a recent practice group, we had a very interesting discussion about a topic where there was a wide variety of perspectives.
We considered the question, “What feelings and needs come up with the situation of one partner in a marriage having a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex?” (I realize this question would be phrased differently for same-sex couples.)
This question allowed us to explore a topic from the NVC perspective of Feelings and Needs, rather than it being “wrong” or “right.” The question led to curiosity and affinity, rather than judgment. …
Read moreIn the old days before NVC, I would find out that I was tired and grumpy AFTER I had done something that I regretted. (And of course, sometimes I still do this because I’m a HUMAN).
However, more often now I recognize how I’m feeling (thanks to a lot of practice). Not only can I connect to myself with some compassion, but I can also communicate to others what’s going on and they don’t have to try to figure out, “What they did” or “Is she mad?” or whatever stories might make sense of my behavior. …
Read moreOne of our practice groups has been exploring the NVC process for things we regret.
It begins with making an observation (just the facts) about what we did.
We then connect with the feelings we experience now as we think about what we did then. (Feelings sheet.)
We then connect with the needs/values that were not met by what we did. (Needs sheet.)
After deeply connecting with these feelings and needs (sitting with them), we think back to the time we did what we now regret. …
Read more“To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives.” …
Read moreWhen thinking about the beauty of needs like gratitude, celebration, and appreciation, the early morning view from my window comes to mind.
I see the sunrise and my entire being is flooded with whatever chemicals we produce when we experience a joy so powerful that our entire body feels that joy. My breath pauses. Tears well up. My throat and chest feel a surge like… love?
I’m nearly speechless, “Wow! Wow! Wow!”
What an incredible gift to see and to appreciate this spectacular event. What a gift is nature and its beauty. …
Read moreRecently, I’ve been involved in conversations concerning how to be in the world with the terrible violence of wars, climate change, political division, and social disconnection between groups and ideologies.
People say they don’t want to ignore what’s going on in the world and at the same time they don’t want to be so overwhelmed by events that they numb out and lose their life energy.
How to be in the world with what might be called “equanimity”? …
Read moreThese past few years I’ve noticed more people in the media talking about people’s values and needs—and I’m feeling pretty excited and encouraged with that awareness. To be clear, I hear plenty of labeling and name calling too, and yet I want to notice and appreciate comments that are less judgmental.
I’ve been hearing more exploration of viewpoints with the focus on concerns and values. I’m remembering a top public health official during the pandemic talking about people who weren’t taking the vaccine, wearing masks, or were against the closure of schools, etc. …
Read moreWhen I hear people say about NVC, “This is not natural,” I think to myself, “Oh, it is natural, but I’m guessing it’s not habitual!”
We’re born with feelings that bring attention to needs. Babies cry when they’re hungry, tired, wet, or needing care of some sort. Babies usually gurgle happily when they’re comfortable and someone is smiling, playing, and tickling—giving them attention.
If we were all encouraged to notice, feel, and acknowledge our feelings and needs, we would continue that natural connection. Instead, it seems that we learn to stuff, hide, or be embarrassed about our feelings and needs, and we lose connection with them. But they are a natural part of being human. …
Read moreRelationships are fluid and flow with interdependence, so boundaries aren’t set in concrete. However, if you find yourself frustrated that your boundaries aren’t respected, it’s empowering to know that you’re the one who can make them firm. It may not be easy, but it’s important so that we don’t build up resentment toward others for not respecting our boundaries.
Setting a boundary for ourselves might sound like …
Read moreSometimes I notice a reluctance to have compassion for another person. I might be afraid that if I have compassion for them, I will lose myself and not have my needs met. I may even have a habit of letting compassion for others stop me from having compassion for myself and speaking up for my needs.
For example: Me – “So the reason you said, ‘Shut up’ to me is that you were tired and overwhelmed and your boss just yelled at you. Is that right?”… I used to stop there and not address how hearing, “Shut up” was for me. …
Read moreFor the last 20+ years, I’ve been sharing and practicing Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication because I strongly believe communication is the key to healthier individuals, better relationships, and peaceful resolution of conflict.
I’ve offered—and will continue to offer—classes that help people learn and practice these communication skills that I find so life-changing, life-enriching, and necessary.
Recently I was very excited to learn of a nonprofit called Braver Angels that also teaches people how to listen and speak with the goal of resolving differences nonviolently. Braver Angels is particularly trying to address the Red/Blue divide in the U.S. …
Read moreIt seems that much of political communication these days contains words that characterize the “other” as evil and dangerous. People don’t just disagree: The other side is the “enemy.” I’ve seen this “enemy” labeling language being used by many sides, not just the most extreme groups, and I feel scared and worried about our ability to work out our differences peacefully. When I say peacefully, I don’t mean (necessarily) quietly. I mean courageously, passionately, and with respectful listening, speaking, and communication—and, eventually, collaboration toward strategies.
Nonviolent Communication founder Marshall Rosenberg talked about the danger of enemy images. When people become an “enemy,” they become a “thing,” rather than another complicated human like us. When people become a “thing,” they can be seen as bad or evil, and then violence can become acceptable. I believe we are seeing violence because the “other” has been labeled “evil,” “dangerous,” “anti-American,” and so on.
How can we help foster peace, rather than violence? …
Read moreYou’re reading this, so I’m guessing you know that Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication encourages us to focus on Feelings and Needs (as well as Observations and Requests).
For most of us, it seems to be easier to focus on times when our needs are not being met. It’s often mentioned that human beings survived by paying attention to potential dangers and warnings when they might be feeling scared, apprehensive, etc. Paying attention to feelings and needs may have meant the difference between life and death.
Acknowledging and getting to know one’s reactions to life (Feelings and Needs) is such important self-knowledge. It helps us see old patterns, stories that we tell ourselves, and how our system interprets the world. We can then learn to grow, change (if helpful), and communicate our life experience to others with more clarity, honesty, and connection. By practicing this, we gain insight to better understand and hear others as well.
I value moments of self-connection, including when needs are not met… and I very much value noticing when needs are met. …
Read moreEvery morning I awake torn between a desire to save the world and an inclination to savor it. This makes it hard to plan the day. But if we forget to savor the world, what possible reason do we have for saving it? In a way, the savoring must come first. ~ E.B. White
A friend’s email included the above quote this week, and after reading it I said to myself, YES! That’s how I often feel.
I like to start my day with an early morning walk when I can feel the cool air, enjoy the peace, see the morning light, and take in the beauty that surrounds me. Ahh… savor!
Identifying one of my aspirations in life as “saving the world” is not energizing for me. I feel overwhelmed and hopeless. It does not inspire me. I do love the quote though, and it got me thinking that rather than saving the world, it’s more motivating for me to think, “What can I do today?” …
Read moreCompassionate (Nonviolent) Communication was a revolutionary experience for me 20+ years ago when I first heard Marshall Rosenberg.
The idea that Feelings were signals that brought attention to my Needs (Universal Human Needs) was like discovering the manual for my human operating system.
Feeling all the feelings and getting acquainted with my needs (and guessing other people’s feelings and needs) has been such an extraordinarily helpful frame to better understand myself and others. And most importantly, it has helped create connection between us.
Over the years, I’ve learned to add a step when identifying my feelings and needs. …
Read moreI like the word “Grace.”
I’ve been working on a definition of what it means to me. Here’s my current definition: Accepting the difficulties and challenges that life brings with a peaceful flow of awareness that encourages thoughtful and kind actions.
It’s a feeling and a need for me.
Lately, with the physical, emotional, and mental challenges that aging brings to my life (and to that of many of my friends and family), I’ve been thinking more about grace. …
Read moreWhen someone asks us to do something, why do we say “Yes” when we want to say “No”?
Here are a few different reasons:
It sounds good at the time I’m asked.
I want to be nice.
I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.
I feel like I should do it.
I’m afraid to say no—maybe they’ll get angry.
Maybe you can think of some others that come up for you? …
Read morePeople in our practice groups sometimes express frustration that the skills of NVC are nowhere to be found when needed most—when emotions are running high and violent words are flying. Yes, I’ve had that experience many times as well.
Looking back, I’ve come to realize it’s often those difficult situations that best prepare me for the future. It’s because things have “gone off the tracks” and I’m disappointed about how it went, that I’m motivated to do better. That’s when I sit down and write out all the feelings and needs I have in connection with the “train wreck.” I let myself really feel the feelings and connect to the needs. …
Read moreI wanted to write a paragraph or two about the deep joy of being alive and being present for the beauty life offers. How grateful I am that NVC has encouraged me to be more aware, to consciously take in the needs met in special moments.
I enjoy the goldfinches at the backyard bird feeder outside my window. How delighted I feel to watch these brilliantly yellow birds. The perfect yellow is so intense that I feel a bit shocked and catch my breath at nature's handiwork.
And then I came across "Invitation," a poem by Mary Oliver, who writes so wonderfully what I wanted to say. …
Read moreCenter for Compassionate Living
c/o Denise Torres
1516 NE Locksley Drive
Bend, OR 97701
541-350-6517