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Recently, I’ve been involved in conversations concerning how to be in the world with the terrible violence of wars, climate change, political division, and social disconnection between groups and ideologies.
People say they don’t want to ignore what’s going on in the world and at the same time they don’t want to be so overwhelmed by events that they numb out and lose their life energy.
How to be in the world with what might be called “equanimity”? …
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Photo by Samantha Gades, on Unsplash
Many years ago, I had just returned home from work, and right away I was mad at my daughter for not doing her homework. She asked me, “Are you mad at me or are you mad about what happened at work today?” The truth was, I was mad about work. That was what had all my attention. In that space, there wasn’t much room for, “Hi Honey, how was your day?”
In my experience, it can be difficult to have an open heart when it’s already too tired, and our focus is on what’s wrong. Neither of these conditions leaves much room for connection. This is a helpful thing to notice. Because, if we notice when we don’t want to connect, we can also notice when we need to rest and reset. …
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Photo by Jose Antonio Gallego Vázquez, on Unsplash; Sticker Artist: @Space_utopian
Need an NVC reset? Here’s an article I wrote for the Changing Self Talk to Self Care class a few years ago that could be helpful.
“When Dr. Rosenberg recognized that judgments and blame were a significant factor in understanding violence, he saw that if we look underneath them, we can find out what is really going on. Knowing this, we could change course and find kinder, more helpful communication solutions. As a result, he developed Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication (NVC).
NVC transforms judgments (including self-judgments) by using them to find the deeper messages expressed by our feelings and needs. It has a gentle yet fierce curiosity that makes acceptance, self-care, and inner peace possible. To figure out how this works we start by looking at the four foundational principles of NVC. …”
Read moreLast fall Michael and I needed help with our dog Sofia. She’s a very sweet pup. However, about six months ago we had some changes at the house that really stressed her out, which of course, stressed us out too.
Here’s what we’ve learned since then. Dogs are like our mirrors. What we feel, they feel. …
Read moreOne of the most damaging things about believing the inner critic is that we lose our ability to trust ourselves. Instead, we begin to doubt.
“I’m not loveable.”
“I can’t do anything right.”
“I’m not good enough to be accepted.”
Believing the inner critic means we are never really free from shame and unworthiness. This damages our felt sense of value, peace, self-trust, and most of all, safety. Over time this loss separates us from who we truly are. …
Read moreWhen I consider the pain and suffering in our world, I feel overwhelmed, afraid, helpless, frustrated, lost, and in grief and disbelief. I need the madness to stop. But I, myself, can’t make it stop. Still, I need something I can do. I need simple, compassionate, and doable strategies—many small ways in which I can bring peace into my life and perhaps into the life of others. Kindness is one answer. And one way to practice kindness is with the Metta Meditation. …
Read moreOne challenging invitation to accept in peacemaking is to let go of being right. It’s complicated but being right is a strategy we use to feel seen and valued, which can translate into feeling safe. We use it to feel safe with experiences that oppose our beliefs about how things should be. As a safety strategy, it’s difficult to let go of.
In our culture it’s not uncommon to judge others when they act differently than they’re “supposed to.” …
Read moreDear NVC Friends,
I want to take a moment to tell you how meaningful being part of a practice group is for me! I heard someone say recently they spent a lot of time alone when they were younger and managed it well. And then they found and valued community. I think that’s my story too.
There’s something so very special about belonging, and in particular, belonging to this community—where we learn how to choose inquiry over blame and connection over judgments. …
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Marshall Rosenberg, PhD. and the author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (NVC), made it his life-long endeavor to bring peace by helping people understand the reasons why reactivity, conflict, and most violence arise. He discovered that moralistic judgments are a significant catalyst to conflict and suffering. …
Read morePhoto credit: Denise Torres
At the last practice group, there were a few people who talked about hitting a wall sometime this past week, and I was one of them. I want to share that experience with you.
The whole day long I carried this unclear but ever-present sense of anxiety. (It wasn’t because of anything in particular. My guess is that it was because of everything.) With the anxiety came restlessness and dissatisfaction. Nothing seemed interesting. I was so caught up in the discomfort it became the thing that informed everything else.
Later in the evening, I decided to flip through the photo gallery on my phone—hoping for something uplifting—and I ran across a photo of some board work I had done in one of my classes. Yes, that’s right, one of my classes: I was teaching others something that I myself had totally lost sight of all day long. Although I had already told myself I could drown my feelings by reading a book, and even though I really wanted to read the book, I thought, “You know what to do.” So I put the novel aside and got out my journal. …
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Photo credit: Denise Torres
Suggestions from the Tuesday Practice Group:
Leave for appointments early. Allow time so no rushing needed.
Put things in their place so when I go to find them, they are there.
Balance order with ease—what’s my balance for inner peace?
Remind myself what I have influence and control over and what I don’t. What’s mine? What’s not mine? …
Photo credit: Barbara Troyer
From the Changing Self Talk to Self Care workshop
Marshall Rosenberg, in his book, Nonviolent Communication, helps us to understand how feelings of inner ease and peace arise when we “see” and accept who we are just as we are. On the other hand, when we attack ourselves with judgment, blame, shame, guilt, or threats we don’t see or accept ourselves as we are. The impact of this is its own kind of violence, yes? To help us untangle our inner criticisms we first apply these important facts to our situation. …
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Adapted from https://www.flickr.com/photos/ursonate/5057644252. Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)
This past week Mike and I had the somewhat arduous task of mouse proofing our house. Because we were in some denial about how significant the problem was we thought just getting a couple of humane mouse “traps” would do the trick. I think this was because we really, really didn’t want to take out each and every single thing from all the kitchen cabinets. And, of course, that is precisely what we ended up doing. …
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Photo credit: Denise Torres
Why is our mind sometimes like a bad neighborhood?
Here are two possible reasons: The first is that over the years our brain has evolved so that it can take shortcuts called neuro-habits. …
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Photo credit: Denise Torres
We often picture love as romantic dinners, tender encounters, surprises, thoughtful gestures, helpfulness, and support. Admittedly these are the best parts. And yet, for me, loving is much, much more. It is also a radical commitment to take on all the obstacles—the fights, the anger, and the hurt; the stress, life’s uncertainties, and even our own insecurities in order to know something so sweet, so healing, so life-giving that our own lives would be incomplete without it. …
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Photo credit: Denise Torres
I would like to share a poem with you. It’s called “Peace is This Moment Without Judgment,” by Dorothy Hunt.
Do you think peace requires an end to war?
Or tigers eating only vegetables?
Does peace require an absence from
your boss, your spouse, yourself? …
I wanted to share some recent feedback from How to Be Kind to Yourself. I love this class, where we share our insights, questions, and investigations together—I learn so much each time!
~ Denise.
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Photo credit: Aaron Tani
The other day, as my thoughts rambled along, it occurred to me that many things must have had to happen for me to be alive today. Like my parents meeting; that they married and they wanted children. Then soon after I was born I contracted encephalitis. Somehow the care I received, the expertise brought to that moment, the many prayers prayed, my own genetic makeup, and God knows how much more pulled me through. Any less might not have.
But really, aren’t there literally thousands of events that preceded my birth and many thousand more that have taken place in life my since then? …
Read morePhoto credit: Denise Torres
A couple of months ago, someone—I’ll call her Gail—asked me if I’d help her with a problem she had. As she talked about her situation, I soon realized that she was so tangled up in it, she couldn’t let go of the story long enough to sort out what she wanted. When I tried guessing what her needs might be she jumped right into judgments. “How could they hire that guy? Don’t they see what a mess he’s making?!” My inquiry only seemed to make things worse.
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I recently attended a course called “Positive Neuroplasticity.” During the class, we discovered how to shift our thinking in order to change the way the brain operates—including its influence on our worldview. In other words, if our worldview is generally negative (which most brains tend to gravitate toward) we can, with practice, actually train our brain so that it will operate from a more positive point of view. Cool, right?
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Center for Compassionate Living
c/o Denise Torres
1516 NE Locksley Drive
Bend, OR 97701
541-350-6517