This post is part of our weekly series of peacemaking practices during the Season of Nonviolence.
In Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication, judgments are expressions of needs or values; however, they include a right/wrong, good/bad element that separates us from the humanity of the situation. Since all actions are efforts to meet universal human needs or values, judgments can separate us from that perspective and cut us off from our compassion.
Someone might be telling a story of what happened through an angry or hurt lens that makes the other person the bad actor because that’s how they are seeing it at the moment.
By repeating those judgments when we’re listening, we can sound like we’re agreeing with the good/bad story. How can we acknowledge someone’s experience without reinforcing the judgment?
Listening for the person’s feelings and needs acknowledges their experience without reinforcing the judgments. What might that sound like?
Speaker: My boss is such a jerk. He takes time off whenever he wants and when I need a couple of hours for a doctor’s appointment, he says, “No.”
Listener: Aggravating?
Speaker: Yes, it really ticks me off.
Listener: Because you want fairness?
Speaker: Yes—it’s unfair. And the doctor’s appointment is for my health—it’s like he doesn’t care about me as a person.
Listener: And you want to be valued and have some caring for you as a human being?
Speaker: Yes, exactly.
This is one part of the Compassionate Communication process, and it focuses on the emotional experience of a situation. We often try to make rational sense of someone’s experience, and what can be more helpful is to try to understand the person’s emotional experience first.
