This post is part of our weekly series of peacemaking practices during the Season of Nonviolence.
What is it like when you are having a conversation with someone, and they are multi-tasking—perhaps looking at their phone or typing on their computer?
It probably depends on the kind of conversation. There are conversations that don’t require full attention. With the busyness of the world, we might be used to multi-tasking our communications while doing other things, and it can work.
However, if it’s something important to you, and someone is giving you partial attention, you might feel frustrated or even hurt because you want connection, consideration, and/or respect.
With the pervasive habit of conversations while multi-tasking, it might be helpful to tell the person that this is a conversation that’s important to you.
You could say, “Hey, I’d like to get your take on something. It looks like you’re busy and I’d like to do it when you could give your full attention. Would you have 10 or 15 minutes this afternoon?”
When you acknowledge that the person you are asking is engaged with something else right now, it nurtures the relationship with consideration and respect and is a practice that values both people’s needs. When you make a specific request: “10 or 15 minutes this afternoon” with “Your full attention,” it makes it easier for the person to say “Yes.”
If someone is talking to you while you are in the midst of something else and you notice they appear to be getting irritated, you could say, “Are you getting irritated because you want my full attention?” If they say, “Yes,” you can decide whether you’d like to do that now or if you’d like to finish what you are doing and talk at another time. You might say, “I’m in the middle of this article I’m writing, could this wait until 3 o’clock so I can give you my full attention?”
Full attention—or presence—might be something to intentionally practice and ask for in our relationships. When there is listening with presence, it says “I value you. I see you. I care about you.” And when that happens, people often feel grateful, warm, and pleased.
