When someone asks us to do something, why do we say “Yes” when we want to say “No”?

Here are a few different reasons:

It sounds good at the time I’m asked.
I want to be nice.
I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.
I feel like I should do it.
I’m afraid to say no—maybe they’ll get angry.

Maybe you can think of some others that come up for you?

When we say “Yes” but want to say “No,” we may later regret it because it doesn’t meet our needs: perhaps for integrity, self-care, choice, honesty, etc., —it depends on the situation.

In any event, Marshall Rosenberg liked to remind us that a “No” is a “Yes” to a need.

So, first, before responding to an ask, you may want to pause and check in with yourself so you can give a more grounded response. Try on the request and see how it feels and what needs come up for you.

If you are asked to go to the movies, and you want to say “No,” perhaps you are tired and saying “Yes” to rest and self-care.

Checking in with yourself, you could respond with gratitude and honesty: “Thanks for asking me, I appreciate being included. I’m feeling tired and want to get some rest so I can stay healthy. Maybe next time?”

Someone asks you to loan them money. You notice your body tightens. Perhaps fear of losing connection with the asker if you say “No.” Perhaps fear for your security if you say “Yes.”

Feeling confused, you can say, “Let me think about it because I need some clarity. How about I get back to you Friday?” Then you take the time to look at all your feelings and needs and think about the other person’s feelings and needs. On Friday, you will hopefully have a clearer understanding of the situation and can have a conversation with an exchange of feelings and needs, coming to a strategy that best meets both of your needs.

Incorporating NVC tools into our communications is a more comprehensive process than many of us are used to. Even though it’s time-consuming, I’ve had encouraging results: I often come to a decision that brings me more peace because it is in integrity with my values. Has it helped you as well?

~ Bryn